Namecalling
by Auresque
Summary: Red isn't Ash. Therefore, Green isn't Gary and Blue isn't Leaf.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Pokémon

**Summary:** Red isn't Ash… Therefore Green can't be Gary, and Blue can't be Leaf. CRACKFIC, Oldrivalshipping, Pokeshipping  


* * *

**PART ONE-NAMECALLING**

Green hated walking to the mailbox; it was often filled with love obsessed letters written by his fans.

But today, he found something interesting.

"Hmm?"

The young man took what seemed to be an important confidential letter from his family's mailbox. As he ripped open the seal and read the containment inside.

* * *

"That's a good girl, Blue."

"MOO."

Red, quickly rubbed his hands together, as if to warm them, and then touched her glands, rubbing and pulling at them, producing milk. The liquid began to gather into a waiting bucket.

See, Red was at a farm owned by a Yellow's uncle and just for kicks he named the fattest cow on the ranch after his best female friend.

* * *

Somewhere Blue-the-girl sneezed.

* * *

Blue-the-cow gave a rather annoyed snort as Red slowed his pace.

The young man looked up from her glands. "I'm sorry Blue, but I have a lot on my mind." He sighed as he spoke to the cow.

Like Blue-the-cow, Blue-the-girl was also a very good listener. Unlike Blue-the-cow, Blue-the-girl had a habit of snapping back.

That was why he loved talking to Blue-the-cow.

"MOO?"

Red smiled faintly, "Nintendo is supposed to send us a contract. Apparently, they want to do a show about us. I wonder if I get to play in the lead?"

The cow gave another snort and roughly brushed against the young man. Red sighed. "Just like the real Blue… always controlled by your hormones."

* * *

Blue sneezed again. "What in the world?"

* * *

As Red returned to Pallet Town, he was called in an urgent meeting with his best male friend. As our hero enters the professor's lab, he is greeted by Green and Blue.

"Green?"

The young man was holding his glasses in one hand, and a contract in the other. "Nintendo returned our messages."

"And?"

"They want you in the lead."

"Yes!" Red cheered.

However, his friends' faces didn't look of joy. "Green?"

The Kanto-runner up rubbed the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "According to them, we have to go by different names… different personalities…"

"Eh? Why?"

"According to them, we're too heroic for a children show, so they're making us retarded."

"…For children to at least understand our show." Blue added quickly.

Red slumped over. "So… they're not going to film our heroic deeds? They're going to make up new stories for us to do?"

Green nodded. "It's not intelligent at all. I've looked over the script. Maybe the first few five episodes will be a kick, but the rest is…"

Blue snorted. "Selfish boy. Why didn't you let me look?"

Green snorted. "Nintendo accepted Red and I, they never accepted you."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" She cried, standing abruptly, knocking over her chair. "WHY DIDN'T THEY ACCEPT ME INTO THE ANIME?"

Red and Green's eyes lowered to her chest. "You're too developed for the show. Again it's for kids."

Blue huffed and crossed her arms over her well-developed chest. "Not fair… I'm an early bloomer."

"That… and your voice sounds like it can pierce people's eardrums." Red added, not helping the situation.

"I CAN'T HELP IT THAT MOMMY SUCKED HELIUM WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" Blue screeched, forcing both boys to cover their ears and wince.

Red took the opportunity to change the subject. "You said we had to change our names?"

"Yes. But _you_ are accepted into their games!" Green yelped, seeing as Blue was about to erupt again.

"What?" Blue blinked.

"What are our names?" Red tried to look over his friend's shoulder at the thick contract.

Green sighed. "They assigned me the name; _Gary_."

"Yeek." Blue winced.

"What about mine?" red asked, still trying to look over his friend.

"You're Ash."

"What a horrible name."

"I know, sorry man."

"And what's my name for the games?"

Green looked up to see Blue giving him one of her more adorable puppy faces as if it would prevent the inevitable.

"Do you really want to know?"

She nodded.

Green searches the contract for the four letter name. When he finally does come across it, he is unable to pronounce is and walks away. Red follows Green and his finger and too, begins to snicker. They both grabbed a drink nearby as if it would prevent their giggles.

The well-endowed woman snarled and ripped the contract from the young researcher's hands.

Her eyes searched the pages until she came across it. "What kind of name is LEAF GREEN?" Blue wailed as she looked over her contract. Behind her, Red and Green spurted soda from their nostrils.

"LAAAAMEE!" She roars and with that in mind, she throws the agreement, back to Green and runs out of the lab, determined to write a very nasty letter to Nintendo.

* * *

Meanwhile the author is gathering her brain cells at the kind of name _'Leaf'_ is.

* * *

**PART TWO-ENDING**

After the entire Hoenn series, Red broke away from Nintendo because he felt as if they were stripping him of his dignity and the disappearance of his testicles.

See, each time Team Rocket showed up, with a talking Meowth and all; it reminded him of the Team Rocket ran by Giovanni during his old heroic journey. And so each time Team Rocket appeared, his testicles, frightened, retreated into his body.

At the end of the three very long seasons, he was unable to will them out again.

He is replaced by a girl who took testosterone supplements.

* * *

After he heard that Blue wasn't accepted, he wasn't originally accepting Nintendo either… until they bribed him. And so after three seasons, he also quit shortly after Red did.

He is replaced a young man with a constant bad hair day.

When he returned to his old Pallet town, he had eight major surgeries and became a woman.

It was a huge shock to his girlfriend, Blue. However after the shock had worn off, Green claims that their sexual life, was better than ever.

* * *

Blue was angry that they reduced her breasts when they released the character 'Leaf'. And so she finally DID finish that nasty letter and now Nintendo allows anyone who plays Fire-Red or Leaf-Green (when you choose the female protagonist) can change the name to whatever they desire.

* * *

Red returned to Cerulean City and married Misty who was FIRED; she didn't leave on her own like the television series made it look, and she was FIRED.

They adopted fifteen babies.

* * *

No one cared that Yellow had yet appear in this drabble.

She was strapped to a huge telephone pole in the middle of no-where and gagged. Daisy held a staff to the sky.

"Oh, great gods! I present you, the sacrifice!"

"MMMMHHH!!'

Daisy paused and then added as an after thought. "She's not a virgin! But it's the closest I came to!"

"MMHHhh!" Came the frightened muffle.

**-FIN-**

**BECAUSE THE AUTHOR'S BRAIN CELLS PERISHED DURING THE MAKING.**

* * *

Nintendo could have easily called her _"Terra" _Italian for Earth, and still make it sounds like a good name. _Leaf_ sounds like a… leaf carried by the wind and eventually decomposing into compost. Is that how they really view Blue?

Oh well. yes it's Crack. It makes no sense whatsoever, but then again, that's the point of crack.

I love reviews, good and bad. Good ones will be used to help me alone for more fics, bad/flames will be used to cook my leftover dinner.


End file.
